• LOGIN
  • No products in the cart.

Tame The Inner Voice That Tells You You’re Not Good Enough

I was recently in Orlando with my devil children (aka the cheerleaders that I coach) and ended up at a table with one of the younger coaches and one of the moms. I’m not sure how the conversation started, but the other coach started talking… and my first instinct was to get annoyed because she made everything about her and she was so damn skeptical about every single thing.

I felt myself getting to a negative state and reminded myself to stay out of judgment and in curiosity, so I started asking more questions and instantly recognized her destructive thought patterns…

She then came out and blatantly said “the things I say to myself are horrible and I’ll never say them out loud”…

How sad is that? It literally broke my heart.

She started talking about how she’s not smart, how she’ll make a terrible wife and all of these other things…. She went on and on and on about all of the reasons she won’t be successful. I don’t think she even realized that she was letting it all out and I could tell she was getting emotional.

She told us about how every time she sits down to study, she cries because every time she studies, she still fails.

She’s not normally that type of person but she was having a complete breakdown.

Hopelessness doesn’t come from being in a bad situation… Hopelessness comes from being in a situation that you feel like you have no control over.

The first teachable moment here is that when you focus on problems, you have no control over it. If you focus on the solution, it’s completely in your control and you don’t have to worry about the anxiety of feeling like you’re hopeless.

Unfortunately, when we started talking about solutions, she deflected every one of them. The more we talked about solutions (the mom that happened to be sitting next to us was actually a college professor by complete coincidence), the more she kept attacking the problem from different angles.

Teachable lesson number two… Most people deflect solutions because it would require them to change. This led me to realize that her self-hate was a result of her hopelessness which came from her victim mentality.

In her mind, everything happens TO you instead of FOR you. When you start taking extreme ownership of everything that happens in your life, you have the power to change it. Being a victim is easier… But it will leave you in a state of misery.

You’re not late because of traffic… You’re late because you forgot to account for traffic. You’re not broke because you’re paid minimum wage, you’re broke because you haven’t found an opportunity that pays more. You’re not in your situation because you have to be… You’re in it because you choose to be.

This is a worksheet that I got from one of the workshops I attended… It shows you the difference between victim language and taking ownership. I thought you’d find it helpful 😉

Your thoughts influence your feelings, your feelings influence your actions and your actions influence your results so you need to get a handle on your thoughts.

We have 90,000 thoughts in a day… 95% of those thoughts are the same thoughts we had yesterday. That means those destructive thoughts you’re having, you’ve probably had for a longggggg time.

If you drive over grass, there probably won’t be a huge mark left in the grass… But if you drive over that same piece of grass over and over and over and over and over again, there will be a dent in that grass that you’ll have to put some serious work in to fix.

That is EXACTLY how our brains work. Every time you have a thought, there’s a little neuro pathway that’s created in our brain… and every time you have that same thought, that ridge gets deeper.

So now if you’ve been telling yourself something since you were in middle school, that little ridge is ridiculously deep in your brain… No wonder it’s so hard to change the way you think… That ridge didn’t form in one day so it’s not going to go away in one either.

You can’t control all of your thoughts… That would be exhausting.

You can’t control your first thought, but you CAN control your second thought.

Here’s a super four-step simple system to change the way that little inner voice talks to you.

Identify the destructive thought: first things first, identify the recurring theme of what that little voice in your head is telling you. It may not be the same words every time, but you’ll find a common theme.

Change it to an “I am committed to…” statement: Ask yourself what the truth is… In her case, if she thinks she’s not smart, her truth is that she hasn’t learned how to learn in a way that works for her. Her “I am” statement could be “I am committed to learning about my learning style and communicating that with my professors.

Make the affirmation constantly: It’s hard to change your thoughts, so you have to repeat your affirmation every time you think about your destructive thought.

Focus on the second thought: every time you have your destructive thought, immediately after, remind yourself of your new affirmation. This is a slow process to change your thoughts but it’s effective.

I’ve created a worksheet to help you work on identifying your negative thought patterns and turning them into a powerful affirmation to help you change that inner voice.

Inner Voice

June 5, 2017
  • Melissa Nelson

    I love this post. It’s so hard to keep yourself from having negative thoughts, but the more you do it, the easier it is. I see destructive thoughts and mindsets pretty often in friends and it all ultimately creates an unhappiness that’s just sad to watch. Thanks for posting this, I feel there’s so many people that need to read it.

    • Hi Melissa! You’re amazing. I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that it’s almost like if you’re too positive, you’re arrogant… so most people counteract that by being critical of themselves instead… and that’s what becomes our inner voice. Let’s all spend a little more time building each other up and we can fix it together!

  • Samantha

    This is great! We all feel like this from time to time and need to hear this!

  • Divyanka Krsna

    A complete new way of thinking! I appreciate that you took common situations like being stuck in traffic to make your point. It’s true that we focus more on the problems and less on the solutions. We usually decline the solution thinking how it would be possible , but we forget that it’s the only way out to change the problematic situation.

  • Yes to this! Totally needed this today.

  • Robert Stukowski

    This message box is too small to fit all my negative thoughts. So, I am just going to work on other ways to get them out. 😀

  • Mallory Middleton

    I loved this Alexa! What a powerful post this is. I 100% agree that we need to take more ownership. I love what you said about things happening FOR us instead of TO us (I’m very guilty of saying I’m late because of traffic -ha! ). I definitely have those “I’m not good enough”/self-doubt thoughts but I’m really going to use your “I’m committed” statement practice this week and try to correct myself. This came at a perfect time in my career as well. Thanks so much for sharing with us!

    • You’re sweet! I’m so glad you found this helpful. Mindset shifts usually happen in teeny tiny increments, they don’t just happen in one “I’m going to be more positive”, so I’m glad that you chose that as your takeaway from this post! Xo, Alexa

  • Taylor Mobley

    This is such a great post! I definitley needed this message this week!

  • Kristi Finefrock

    Yes! We have to guard our thoughts. Like you said we might not be able to stop the first thought initially but we can stop the second! What we think determines our actions so we need to take responsibility and focus on making a positive imprint instead of a negative one.

    • Of course! I was just reading an article that talked about how “truth” is a matter of perspective… So let’s say you fail at something… Your truth can either be “I suck at everything” or it can be “I’m one step closer to figuring it out”. Your truth is your decision, and that’s where the responsibility lies.

  • Lauren Abigail

    The part about driving over grass hit me like a brick! It’s so true! One small action isn’t going to make a big deal, but when that action is repeated over and over again, it becomes an avalanche!

    • Absolutely! Especially when that “thing” that keeps happening over and over again is a thought… Because our thoughts have so much power.

  • Taylor Mead

    One of my favorite parts of this piece is: “You can’t control your first thought, but you can control your second thought” because it’s so true. Everyone has an inner voice that causes us to second guess certain things sometimes, but it’s how we react to it and deal with it that determines how it affects us. Thanks so much for sharing these important steps!

    xo, Taylor (thesprinkle.tayloramead.com)

    • I’m SO glad you enjoyed! When I learned that, it made a HUGE difference for me… And I started shutting down all of my “first thoughts”. Can’t tell you how much of an impact it’s had on my mindset.

    • Divya Budhraja

      I agree with Taylor. It’s so true. I feel like I need constant reminders and constant conversations with myself because it’s an ongoing thing. There’s no quick fix. I will always be making mistakes. Instead of letting it tear me down, I just need to nip it right then and there so it doesn’t bring with it a whirlwind of negative thoughts, patterns, and habits.

      • I couldn’t agree more, Divya! It’s amazing how a teeny change in perspective can literally change everything for you.

  • Nicole Locorriere

    This is SO TRUE! I’m in training to become a therapist, and (predictably) the hardest part of working with clients is that they come to therapy thinking I’ll hand them a solution, and they don’t realize they need to CHANGE. They’re almost all of the mindset that things are happening TO them, like you said. And people don’t like to hear that THEY need to make changes, because that means THEY were wrong. I find it so frustrating, but I’m so glad you wrote this post because it proves that other people understand this lol. Thanks for writing it.

  • Megan

    Ohmigosh this: “Hopelessness comes from being in a situation that you feel like you have no control over.” So true! I’ve realized I gotta give it all up to God and accept every day is out of my control. I can try and make an effort of course but accepting that He is in control helps! When things don’t work out, it’s ok because Gods got the master plan 🙂

  • Dannielle Alphonse

    Yes! We have 50-70K thoughts a day!! And we do indeed have the ability to control them by replacing one for another. It’s a mindset and awareness is key! Great post! xo~D

top
© 2017 Alexa Rosario. All Rights Reserved