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Get More Of What You Want By Understanding Personality Styles

You know when you’re dating someone for awhile or you make a new friend and the “spark” turns that flame into grey, dull ash? The little things that you didn’t even notice before start to drive you absolutely insane. Chances are, that’s probably because your personality styles just aren’t compatible.

… And it’s not your fault. Personality styles take a HUGE part in our compatibility with our significant others, families, friends and coworkers.

I think back to someone I dated in college who used to annoy the hell out of me because whenever I would talk about my dreams and ambitions, he wanted to know every single little step of how I would get there when I didn’t have the answers yet. I felt like he was questioning my ability to do it… but once I learned about personality styles, I realized that it wasn’t his fault. He just had an analytical personality who needed to know all of those details because that’s how his mind worked and I have a hard time dealing with analyticals.

I recently started dating again… and holy crap is it hard.

The first guy that I dated was also an analytical personality…. and I just couldn’t deal with it. He wanted to know every little detail about every little thing… and I don’t mean in the way that he was just being a good listener, he needed to verify everything that I talked about. I know what you’re thinking — he was just being a good listener. However, there’s a difference between being a good listener and being obnoxious.

Hear me out…

There was a period of time that he was asking me about getting into real estate. The analytical personality is risk-adverse, takes a bunch of time to make decisions and is terrified of being wrong. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “paralysis by analysis”, that’s the analytical.

He wrote down a list of about 20 questions that he needed specific answers about before considering getting into real estate and even wanted me to look up the stats of other people in real estate that he knew to see how much money they were making.

Not that I minded it, but he was like that with EVERYTHING…. and my personality style just doesn’t gel with that. The beginning was fun but after maybe three weeks I started to get annoyed.

The second guy that I dated was a super expressive.

He was a great guy, loving, passionate and caring… but he had tendencies that also annoyed me.

The expressive personality is “the life of the party”. They are driven by fun. They love to be the center of attention, they’re high energy, impulsive and they’re dreamers. Do you know of anyone like that?

My issues with his personality were that he cared way too much about attention, being recognized for every single little thing and he was too needy for my attention. He kept up with all of the trends and always talked about what he wanted but wasn’t taking a whole lot of action towards it. They say that you are the average of the five people you hang around the most and his best friend just didn’t have his shit together at. all. They had been friends since they were kids but I think the guy I was dating kept him around because he got to be “the big man” around him.

It all comes down to a compatibility of personality styles.

 

The Purpose of Personality Styles

Now you might think I’m just venting about failed relationships but that’s not it at all. Personality styles give you a general feel for how that person deals with situations, processes their feelings, handles problems and how they view the world. It’s sort of like understanding their values and making sure they align with yours.

So now, whenever I date someone, I have them take the DISC personality test. I always tell them that it’s just for fun but I really want to see how compatible we actually are and if there are going to be any points that we’re going to have issues. Being that I spend so much time doing self-development, that means that I also expect the person that I date to be committed to it and if they get weird about taking it, it’s already a no for me… So they don’t usually object because we make it fun.

To introduce you to the idea of personality styles, I wanted to share a little bit about each one. Before you get overwhelmed, I’ve also created a cheat sheet that breaks down the must-know characteristics of each personality style, teaches you what motivates them and how to communicate with them. You can download it fo’ free right here!

About The Personality Styles

Before we get into the nitty gritty details of each personality styles, I just want to make sure that we’re on the same page about a few things.

Whenever I talk about personality styles, a lot of people get defensive and say something like, “but I’m all four!”

… and you are absolutely right!

We all have varying degrees of each of the styles. We generally lead with one of the styles in our relaxed state and then revert to another under pressure. That’s not to say you can’t have traits of the other two, they just aren’t your dominant style. My natural state is a driver personality and under pressure I become an expressive. That means that by nature, I’m task driven and focused on results. Under pressure, I get more social, friendly and spontaneous.

This is nothing like horoscopes or anything like that… It’s purely based in science. There are four types of personality styles and we all fall into them differently. There’s no such thing as a right or wrong, we’re all just a little different.

By the way, I am not saying that you can’t date someone with a personality style that’s not naturally compatible with yours… You’re just going to have to work a little bit harder at understanding each other and being able to look past those incompatibilities.

It’s also rare to find two people with the same personality styles in a relationship. Generally, you’ll find that happy couples are the ones who’s personalities balance each other’s rather than being identical.

So let’s get started…

D (Driver) Personality

First up, the driver personality is driven by results. They’re competitive, like to win and they are usually direct and to the point. They’re driven by results, not by emotions and generally have a strong and aggressive tone. Some of the other personality styles assume that drivers don’t have feelings because of their intense nature, which isn’t true. Drivers just aren’t driven by their emotions. Their deepest fear is to have their time wasted or to be taken advantage of. While this isn’t always cut and dry, you can generally spot a driver by the way they carry themselves. They’ll talk fast and loud, be direct, forceful and will likely be dressed in solid colors (or small patterns) and sharp lines.

Relationship with another driver: Given the fact that drivers like to win, there will be a lot of competition in this relationship. Some of it will be fun and in good humor, while other situations will be straight up competition when they should be working together. Neither of them are driven by emotion and they likely won’t waste each other’s time. Both are decisive and like to win, so compromising may be a challenge in this relationship.

Relationship with the expressive: It’s very common to see someone be an expressive by nature and a driver under pressure or vice versa so they will see a lot of similarities with each other. Both are dominant personalities. Where they differ is that the driver personality is the doer and the expressive is the dreamer. The driver may get frustrated with the expressive when they’re focused on a task at hand and the expressive wants to be spontaneous or when the expressive keeps dreaming but doesn’t take action. On the other hand, the expressive may get frustrated with the driver because they aren’t driven by emotion and don’t care to articulate how they feel.

Relationship with the amiable: The Driver is tell-based and task-based, and the amiable is ask-based and people-based. These two communicate differently, look at life differently and will have a hard time being in rapport with each other. Generally, the driver gets impatient with the amiable and the amiable feels pressured and stressed in the presence of a driver.

Relationship with the analytical: Both of these personality styles are task based so they’ll be able to understand each other. The driver is the doer and the analytical is the analyzer. The point of contention here will be how quickly things can get done. The driver will have to work on their patience with the analytical who needs to gather all of the information to make the best decision and won’t act under pressure.

I (Expressive) Personality

Expressives LOVE people and they are the life of the party. They’re fun, energetic, can get people together and get them motivated. They’re impulsive, love the spotlight and are big dreamers. They don’t always think their decisions all the way through and are passionate in their expression of their emotions. That means they’re going to love passionately… But you better watch out because they’ll also get upset passionately and feel anger deeply. Their deepest fear is not being liked or being rejected. You’ll know an expressive when you see one because the room will light up a little when they walk in. They’ll be loud and energetic, talk a lot and tend to dress a little more flashy. Before you jump to conclusions and assume that anyone who talks a lot is an expressive, listen to what they’re talking about. If they’re talking about ideas, people, experiences or dreams, you’re right. If they’re talking about tasks and details, keep reading.

Relationship with the driver: It’s very common to see someone be an expressive by nature and a driver under pressure or vice versa so they will see a lot of similarities with each other. Both are dominant personalities. Where they differ is that the driver personality is the doer and the expressive is the dreamer. The driver may get frustrated with the expressive when they’re focused on a task at hand and the expressive wants to be spontaneous or when the expressive keeps dreaming but doesn’t take action. On the other hand, the expressive may get frustrated with the driver because they aren’t driven by emotion and don’t care to articulate how they feel.

Relationship with another expressive: Both of the people in this relationship like to be in the spotlight. They both enjoy being the center of attention and will likely have tons of energy and passion together. The challenge that two expressives will have together is that they are both impulsive and tend to be dreamers so they have have issues based on the decisions that are made by their partner. When making decisions, they may do so on impulse without having considered all of the consequences of their decisions.

Relationship with the amiable: It’s very common to see an amiable and an expressive together. The expressive brings the energy, the passion and the fire while the amiable brings the cool, calm and level-headed attitude. Together, they really do balance each other out. They are both people based and will likely maintain great relationships with their friends and families.

Relationship with the analytical: Analyticals and expressive go together as well as…. peanut butter and tomato sauce. I hope your face cringed a little bit — that was the most incompatible relationship I could think of. Similarly to the driver/amiable relationship, these two are just SO different. The expressive is impulsive, energetic and social while the analytical is driven by cold, hard facts. Expressives will get frustrated with the fact that analyticals don’t allow them to dream and will question their abilities while analyticals will stress over the fact that their expressive partner is so unpredictable.

S (Amiable) Personality

The amiable is loved by everyone. They don’t care for the spotlight and instead prefer to have one on one relationships. They don’t like confrontation so tend to be people pleasers because they don’t want to upset anyone. Think peace and harmony… They’re level-headed and even tempered. The amiable can also be indecisive because they don’t want to rock the boat with anyone. Their deepest fear is not being liked. They’ll definitely open up once they get to know you and trust is a HUGE thing for them. Amiables are a little harder to spot because they prefer to be the listeners and the thinkers than the talkers. They’re usually last to order at a restaurant! They tend to dress in deeper colors and softer fabrics. If they’re hard to read, they’re probably an amiable.

Relationship with the driver: The Driver is tell-based and task-based, and the amiable is ask-based and people-based. These two communicate differently, look at life differently and will have a hard time being in rapport with each other. Generally, the driver gets impatient with the amiable and the amiable feels pressured and stressed in the presence of a driver.

Relationship with the expressive: It’s very common to see an amiable and an expressive together. The expressive brings the energy, the passion and the fire while the amiable brings the cool, calm and level-headed attitude. Together, they really do balance each other out. They are both people based and will likely maintain great relationships with their friends and families.

Relationship with another amiable: Because of their relaxed, non-confrontational and people pleasing manner, two amiable together will feel comfortable because they’re able to be themselves without any pressure. That, however, is a blessing and a curse. When it comes time to make decisions, both are slow to decide and like to know what the other one is thinking… So things will move a bit slower in this relationship.

Relationship with the analytical: It’s very common to see someone be an amiable in their relaxed state and an analytical under pressure. These two together will find a lot of commonalities between each other. The challenge that these two will face together is that they are slow to act and may find themselves missing opportunities because of it.

C (Analytical) Personality

The analytical personality is just that — analytical. They take their time making decisions and like to know all of the information before they do anything. They’re driven by a fear of being wrong, which is why they need to analyze so much information and take so long to make decisions. They tend to talk a lot but will focus on details, facts and specifics rather than people or ideas. Analyticals are generally very formal in their demeanor and will be perfectly dressed for the occasion. They’re the main ones who will google “what do I wear to ___ type of event?” I also jokingly say that the analytical will never have bad credit because they’re risk adverse.

Relationship with the driver: Both of these personality styles are task based so they’ll be able to understand each other. The driver is the doer and the analytical is the analyzer. The point of contention here will be how quickly things can get done. The driver will have to work on their patience with the analytical who needs to gather all of the information to make the best decision and won’t act under pressure.

Relationship with the expressive: Analyticals and expressive go together as well as…. peanut butter and tomato sauce. I hope your face cringed a little bit — that was the most incompatible relationship I could think of. Similarly to the driver/amiable relationship, these two are just SO different. The expressive is impulsive, energetic and social while the analytical is driven by cold, hard facts. Expressives will get frustrated with the fact that analyticals don’t allow them to dream and will question their abilities while analyticals will stress over the fact that their expressive partner is so unpredictable.

Relationship with the amiable: It’s very common to see someone be an amiable in their relaxed state and an analytical under pressure. These two together will find a lot of commonalities between each other. The challenge that these two will face together is that they are slow to act and may find themselves missing opportunities because of it.

Relationship with another analytical: Because of their detail-oriented nature, they’ll be comfortable knowing that their level of risk is lower than any of the other personality styles. In a relationship, they’ll be able to think everything through on their own time. The challenge here is that ‘paralysis by analysis’ is a real thing. With two analyticals, neither one of them will be the one to pull the trigger so opportunities will come and go before they’ve made a decision on it.

It’s a lot of information, I know… That’s why I’ve created this cheat sheet for you to help you keep track of each of the personality styles. Go ahead and download it free right here!

 

Understanding personality styles will help you better build rapport with the people around you, understand them and realize the areas that you need to work on to be able to communicate with them effectively. In the Emotional Intelligence e-course in the academy, you’ll learn all about the specific ways that you can do this.

Did this help you figure out why you get along with some people but get annoyed by others? Let me know in the comments below!

 

June 13, 2017
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